CANCER
WAS MY RAW, WILD AND UNTAMED NATURE. IT WAS TRUTH ITSELF, FORCED ME TO COME FACE TO FACE WITH THE POWER OF MY OWN HOLYNESS, KISSING ME WHILE SHE TOOK MY HAND AND WALKED ME ON THE RAZORS EDGE. SHE ENDED MY DYSFUNCTIONAL LOVE STORY WITH GOD AND TRANSFORMED IT INTO A MAJESTIC AND
MAGNIFICENT REAL LIFE.
There was no room for me on it, on this razors edge. There was no room for two of us. Cancer became my personal Guru. And I knew. I was not surprised when the Doctor told me I had breast cancer and in the same breath called the hospital for urgent admission. I knew long before I found the tumour that morning in the shower, that I would have cancer. I knew the question was, will you stay or will you leave? I had become dead serious about my life. There was no room for Unconditional Love Breathing its own Aliveness Through Me, and Joy was to dangerous and to much freedom for me to handle, I had to control it all. At that time I had become deadly serious about fighting for the survival of my False Self and the Lies about my Life. Being Born Open and Knowing, I knew that I had come to the end of that fight, I realized; that fight only had a massive failure as an outcome. I knew my Life was collapsing but still I tried to fight against it, but I diden`t have more energy, I was no longer supported by Life Itself to continue keep alive what I myself hated and at the same time terrified to loose. In my entire life I had been in constant survival mode. I had to face Her, I had to face every aspect of my cancer. I had face my self and everything I feared about my self and what I feared the most; The Freedom I Am, The Power of Her Fire.
I remembered Her Power, The Cancer was the Power of Creation and the Creator Itself purifying my Body and She was my willingness to meet with full responsibility my own Darkest Abyss, to dive all the way down so the Light of Her Splendour and Her Wholeness could be revealed fully, so Her Presence, could burn once and for all any doubt that I am not All That I Am. That razors edge lead me back to my true self, my one and only self and She commanded; Right Now! Not later, not tomorrow, Right Now have I taken away all your strategies to become more perfect in your lies. You are totally naked so don't try to put that old dress on again. I realized; why there was nothing left to build a new Life from the old shattered pieces; because I and everything old was already transformed into solid Gold. And I saw why everything had to die together with my false self, I saw that all spiritual knowledge I had gain was no longer valid for my death and rebirth.
I WAS TOLD THAT ALL SPIRITUALITY IS BASED ON RISING ABOVE HER. HER DARKNESS, HER UNDERGROUND AND HER WILD, UNTAMED STEAMY INTUITION. WE DON`T WANT IT. WE DO NOT WANT HER. I DIDN`T WANT HER. AND GOD SAID; BUT YOU HAVE BEEN PREPEARED TO GO ANYWHERE IN ORDER TO BRING THIS WORLD ALIVE WITH LOVE.
It is Her Power, Her Power Of The Divine Feminine that must Transform Human Consciousness, and I saw and was told, I must, we must let Her be born Fully for the First Time in Human History Once and For All. She Is Birthing A New Life, in Both Men and Women and we Must Let Her, She is Bringing Humanity To A Level Where There Will Be No Other Choice Than To Live From Heart And Intuition In The Now Moment. She was my willingness to let the power of Divine Feminine be born fully for the first time, to let my Untamed, Wild, Nature be born, this Raw Beauty was me, I am the Power of the Divine Feminine, I am the Willingness of the Divine Masculine, I am Wilder Grace, I am Whole and I have created the Cancer from a level of absolute Freedom.
I was told that I have asked for Transformation a long time - I have been longing for absolute Freedom since Birth, But Now I was ready for Her to Lead me Through my own death of the known and into the Birth of The absolute Unknown. Her words was beyond powerful when SHE whispered; "All masks, and self created identifications build on your private history must be taken away from you now, you are entering the core of God self” and "I" was absorbed by This Golden Light. I was nothing but everything, I saw my false self crystal clear, I was no longer allowed to crawl up inside it and stay hide beyond it, but I saw and felt how beyond words sacred the human life is, “me” was not something I had to get rid off but Love Unconditional, I saw the enormous sacredness in all human life and all life form in all forms when I merge silently with spirit of God. As I Am.
I knew who I really was. I never forgot. I knew Home, and I have always seen and felt The Light of Angels surrounding me and Gods Presence was always Natural, Normal for me. It was impossible to deny that knowingness fully. The unbearable pain was that I never forgot, I was painfully aware and remembered Life when I was not in my body. I was longing for that, I had no energy any more to continue try to hold on to a Life that was long gone, alive. But I was hit hard with a grief I never knew was in me, a grief that shattered completely my strong and massive responsibility to keep my children safe, that I always would be there for them.
I had said Yes come alive fully in this Light, that meant, feel it all like never before. I was forced to faced a deep grief that shocked me deeply, there was a grief knowing that my life as I knew it was shattered, there was no pieces that had survived this collapse but still I tried to find something familiar to hold on to and build a new life. But there was nothing.
But there was another deep grief, that held a profound beauty in it, raw, powerful and and it was a deep grief, a longing that had been there for years. I was not going Home, I was not going to die, a grief that I was going to survive but to a life where absolute everything familiar was gone, I understood that when I said yes to come fully alive I had to say yes to the absolute unknown, there was no safe place for “me”, there was no concepts, no belief - systems, identifications or history that could keep me “alive”, where I could keep my false self and hide behind it. In that moment I also felt a deep relief ; I dident have to fear to get cancer any more. Now It was a reality.
The Power of God Self is who I Am. That Power embraced “me”, embraced my mind, my ego, my body, my fears and identifications, my history and all my masks and She undressed me like a warm, sunny summer morning slowly undress the night. I undressed my self and kissed my Heart and shattered bones, I embraced and loved it all Unconditional. My Lungs and my Heart revealed The Truth when I came up and started to Breathe Fully Fresh Air for the first time that could only be possible from an total surrender, accept and absolute willingness to embrace the shattering to become transparent and Birth of an Authentic New Life. Everything about my false self was stripped away but what remained was Pure Love. I Am That. A profound understanding revealed that this death process was nothing but Pure Love birthed itself through me as me. There was no longer any doubt. I Am It All. I Am Eternal. Infinite. Unconditional Love. Absolute Freedom. I Am Unlimited. I Am Light and I Am God with a part moving slowly enough to be seen as I Am. I was encircled with a Beauty that took my Breath away.